Blood, guts, & the fantastic abs that encase them

So John and I went to a double feature at the Foothills theater the other day. They have this really sweet deal there, you see, where one can get into two (or even three, if you're really dedicated) movies for the price of one. They just don't know about it, fortunately enough.

We decided that our initial film would be the one that has many of the gays atwitter...but since "Bad Bear Truckers" wasn't playing there, we saw "300" instead. The movie (like you didn't already know) focuses on ancient Sparta (where, apparently, there was a magical well of steroid water and a Gold's Gym) defending itself from the Persian army (who, I didn't realize, were led by a fierce drag princess). The hot 'n' beefy king of Sparta leads his army on a mission to fend off the hoards of angry stereotypes despite not getting approval from blah blah blah...the important thing you need to know is that there is lots of beefcake to be seen pretty much in every other shot.

The thing that I also never realized about the Spartans was that they were cursed by the ancient god Metrosexuous to be able to grow hot, thick beards on their handsome faces, but not a single hair on their uber-muscular bodies. Anywhere. At all. Not that I studied or inspected every bit of exposed man-flesh that one could see through the Spartans' special warrior armor (read: leather underwear and a cape), cause I didn't...ever stop.












The woofy Gerard Butler manages to protect himself from the driving rain while keeping his bulging pecs perfectly dry.


Anyway, the movie (aside from making me yearn to hit the gym about 50 times harder) was pretty entertaining overall. It was a lot more violent and gore-filled than I was expecting, but given that it was directed by Zack Snyder who helmed the awesome remake of "Dawn of The Dead" (which sent my irrational zombie fear to a whole new level of crazy) I should have anticipated as such. One area I was a little disappointed in was the visual effects. Don't get me wrong, the visuals were incredible and some even beautiful, but they weren't nearly as adventurous as that other Frank-Miller-graphic-novel-adaptation "Sin City". Given that that film took some pride in exploiting the comic book genre's diverse visual abilities, with very entertaining and visually enticing effect, I expected some of the same chances to be taken with this film. One of the only moments that really lived up to that expectation, for me, was the cool animation sequence that they used for the closing credits.

As for the homophobic slant that many feel the movie had going on, one could certainly see where that idea would come from. There is a part where the Spartan king insults the Athenians by calling them "boy lovers", and the main villain looks like he does his eyebrows with a sharpie and wears more tacky jewelry than Mr. T. I will say, however, that I think that the latter has more to do with just trying to come up with a way to make said villain look creepy and unnatural. I guess when all else fails make him androgynous, which will make him look that much weirder in comparison to the super-butch hero. The "boy lover" comment-presumably referring to the ancient Greek practice of older men taking in younger boys as their...uh..."special" trainees-I'm guessing was to try and make us think that such a practice was not used in Sparta. The guys only train semi-nude together...and hug and embrace a lot between battles. All of this, along with the new and creative ways in which the king's queen's cleavage was displayed in every shot of her, I'm guessing was meant to be like the bikini-clad girl that they trot out between rounds during a Ultimate Fighting Championship match. Despite the fact that we're watching these hot studs roll around on the floor with each other, sweaty and underwear-clad, these girls are supposed to snap us back to a hetero-centric world. Cause they sure wouldn't want any of the guys who convince themselves that they watch said sporting event strictly for the...uh...sport of it, to let their minds wander to questions like "What if they weren't wearing anything at all...and were rolling around, sweaty together on the floor NOT beating the living shit out of each other?"

So the 2nd feature wound up being "The Hills Have Eyes 2". In it, a troop of National Guardsfolk try to battle an encampment of people who are descended from that "Sloth" guy in "The Goonies"...but with a penchant for slaughter and mayhem. I won't bore you with another full on review, I'll just say this...it's a sequel, that's actually a remake...yes, that's right, a sequel-remake. Also it tends to lean more to gross-out gore for scares then actual suspense. Despite all that, it's decent, and has a few (intentionally and unintentionally) funny moments to balance out the gore.

All in all, a bloody good double matinée! (Sorry, couldn't help myself)